Happy?

I am in my 20th week of pregnancy. Life is crazy.

I have not spoken to SD (sperm donor) in over 5 weeks now. I am still trying to sort out my feelings about that situation.

I am lonely. I am depressed. I am finding it difficult to be with my little boy Ben. He needs my attention and love. I feel he is acting out right now because he senses my stress and depression.

I started taking Zoloft almost a few weeks ago. Hopefully getting my thoughts down on this form of paper will help me feel better. I don't really have the time and energy to seek formal talk therapy so I am hopeful this form will do.

I love my little boy so much and I look at him with such pride and affection. I just don't understand why I can't get my life together for him.

I want so much to be that organized and active mom who does all the fun and creative activities with their children. Is it me being a 100% single mom that puts me in this awful position or do I use that as a crutch? I can't really figure it out and it has been over 4 years that I have been trying to figure it out.

I look at other ways to solve my problems. Like right now, I feel as if I owned my own home my life would feel much more complete. Why do I not feel complete? I have one wonderful son who is SOOO beautiful and smart and charming. I have a great career as a nurse. I am not bad to look at. I have a pleasant personality. I have great friends. Why am I not happy?

Why am I not happy?

How long have I been unhappy?

What can I do to make myself happier?

What does happiness mean?